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i laid back with the moon by ~IAmPoetry:iconIAmPoetry:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Family Life > Open




i laid back with the moon
until morning

listened to the hissing faucet
as the water refined my skin

dressed my body
with the sun

freckles paraded
my face until i
concealed them

he brought me a
sparrow necklace,
protected around my neck
like a nest

thunder clapped whilst
my son took his nap

the day gathered memories
and treasures that my dreams will
carry through the night

closed eyes see better



©iampoetry

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconiampoetry:

Author's Comments

How are you?

Thanks for taking the time on my poem.

"Don't let me fail you, for then I fail myself." -Tirra

Comments


love 1 1 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconterribletreasure:
~TerribleTreasure Jan 9, 2009, 9:32:37 PM
You used 'whilst'. Awesome!

listened to heavens performance above
as the water refined my skin

This couplet isn't as strong as the rest. I think its mostly the first line. Wordy for my taste. Ironic I know.
The beginning and end are superb. Uber Splendid (hehe). I like your poetry, more people should write like this, but not me, because I can't do it. You though are quite strong at this. I love it.

I'm alright. Crazy flattered because a living legend here burque asked me to do a duet with her! Woot.

--
A poem is a naked person... Some people say that I am a poet.
Bob Dylan

Concealed Artistry: [link]

Recieve quality feeback on poetry: [link]
:iconiampoetry:
~IAmPoetry Jan 9, 2009, 9:37:31 PM
Have any help for me with that part? Should I take it out or.....

and thank you sweets

--
Poetry is truly boundless. It is my passion, I am the canvas.
--
my poetry, lemon
both bitter and tart
you decide the taste of my art

©iampoetry
ღ
:iconterribletreasure:
~TerribleTreasure Jan 9, 2009, 9:41:27 PM
Hmmm let me think... maybe something like 'eaves dropped on the heavens'? Just an idea.

Your very welcome love

--
A poem is a naked person... Some people say that I am a poet.
Bob Dylan

Concealed Artistry: [link]

Recieve quality feeback on poetry: [link]
:iconiampoetry:
~IAmPoetry Jan 9, 2009, 9:54:16 PM
there....

--
Poetry is truly boundless. It is my passion, I am the canvas.
--
my poetry, lemon
both bitter and tart
you decide the taste of my art

©iampoetry
ღ
:iconterribletreasure:
~TerribleTreasure Jan 9, 2009, 9:57:55 PM
Its like a puzzle, and you've found the correct peice!

--
A poem is a naked person... Some people say that I am a poet.
Bob Dylan

Concealed Artistry: [link]

Recieve quality feeback on poetry: [link]
:iconcreativemikey:
Mood: Love *creativemikey Jan 9, 2009, 10:09:28 PM
Another gem;)

--
Practice Free Association Thinking, Meanings are beyond the obvious - Art Clokey :heart:

Check out my
:gallery:[link]

:eyes:Support Art[link]
:iconjsting:
=jsting Jan 9, 2009, 10:13:22 PM
she writes

oh so

prettily, prettily, prettily
:iconfllnthblnk:
^fllnthblnk Jan 9, 2009, 11:24:00 PM
Love the dreamy quality of this. Well, it's dreamy to me. I love the idea of lying back with the moon. That opening line resonates very strongly with me.

As far as the ending, personally I think it would've been stronger just to end with "closed eyes see better" and leave the reader with that. "nor never fade" is just the extra sugar that makes the cake too sweet, methinks. Just a thought!

--
Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.
:iconiampoetry:
~IAmPoetry Jan 10, 2009, 6:42:09 AM
i actually had it as "closed eyes see better" until the last min. i added it in because i thought people would think i cut the poem abruptly...so it's good to know i was right in the first place and should stick with my instincts.

thanks for commenting on my work, i adore your comments and reading my poetry ;)

--
Poetry is truly boundless. It is my passion, I am the canvas.
--
my poetry, lemon
both bitter and tart
you decide the taste of my art

©iampoetry
ღ
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