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our love, a pear i eat
while on my period
bumpy curves
sending creases
burned browned spots
through smooth surfaces
and blood clots
.
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:iconahavati:
Ahavati Featured By Owner May 4, 2009  Professional General Artist
Excellent.
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner May 4, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. It's an old one I revisited and tweaked.
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:iconohfever:
ohfever Featured By Owner May 3, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Short, raw, and amazing.
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner May 4, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much.
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:iconamertie:
Amertie Featured By Owner May 3, 2009
something about this has a calming effect on me.
i'm not sure what. or why.

but i really like this.
and i kind of wish it was longer, but it works well short.
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner May 3, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I have no idea what I should do to further this. It may come to me soon. Thanks for reading it!
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:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner May 3, 2009  Professional Writer
As you know by now, I am all about words and images that do not quite mesh and I love jarring the ear. However, i am not sure blood clots works for me here...maybe I just need to reread it a few times. Other than that, I like it a lot.
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner May 3, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
It probably doesn't sound very good. lol I was thinking blood clots because relationships are like clots in way. It's hard to explain what I was thinking or meaning.
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:iconscummyvladdrac:
ScummyVladDrac Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2008
Honestly, i'd would have liked to see more of this.

I know a few have commented this way but it has to be said... it seems like an entire piece is missing & its a shame because such brutial honesty shouldn't be wasted on wondering what else?
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Honestly, I don't know where to take it. I may end up working on it someday though.
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:iconohfever:
ohfever Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
I really love this, it's very easy to relate to, and I love your boldness. I wish this were longer though ! It feels like it needs a bit more.. I love your style.
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
I'll see what I can do. Thank you....
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:iconamberlouie:
Amberlouie Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2007  Professional Writer
Cut everything away and leave stanza seven as your poem.

:heart:
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
Could you tell me what's wrong with the other stanzas? I would really like your opinion. I myself thought it was a strong piece, or maybe I'm wrong.

thanks,
Poetically Always Ashley
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:iconamberlouie:
Amberlouie Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2007  Professional Writer
[D]o you realize what this has come to?
feels like a sharp breeze of freezing rain -- how does the sharp breeze fit with freezing rain. Usually rain is cold and usually a breeze snaps, gnaws but nothing is sharp about its form. And the reader doesn't really know why you're talking about rain, when you have started the stanza with "Do you know what this has come to?"

it's here -- whats here? being vague in a poem isn't always good, because you haven't built up the persona of the poem yet, and the reader still has absolutely no idea what you are talking about. But I do know, that you're talking about relationships but the way you're portraying it isn't coming up so clearly.

slitting my wrists whenever I am on my knees -- again, what does this have to do with rain and the sharp breeze and why has the relationship made you comit these acts? This is not clear, its just like slapping phrases on paper with no connection.

your love has come to be worth more than living -- before you have just said "Do you know what this has come to" followed by a harsh image of the weather and then followed by the slitting of wrists which combined with love, doesn't make sense.

and O it's a brilliant feeling - how is it a brillant feeling? Isn't of saying it is, explain and show in a scenario.
-------
K, why I like this stanza is because its stronger than the rest of the poem, which just reminds me of words on paper with no meaning, to allow the readers to connect, you need to make the connection between the words first. Forget that there is a connection between yourself and your written piece, poetry is for release as well as for sharing. Remember when writing your poem, you should consider how the poem sounds read aloud.

you're a cold cold pineapple -- I would however cut the second cold.
sweet to tooth [and] frozen,
melting like fire to skin

This image above, unusual as it seems, breaks from the oridinary poem thats why I suggested that you present it as a whole, instead of in the middle where often, it gets lost.

sometimes you're a plum with an apples ass
smooth with a slight crack curve
you remind me of whats meant to be perfect

-- I'm not sure I like the stanza about, how can a plum have an apples ass.

our love is a pear i eat while on my period
with it's bumpy curves
sending me through creases
and burned browned spots
through smooth surfaces
and blood clots

-- The sound above, when I read it aloud is amazing. The sound involved with the rest of the poem is not.

lucky to love you -- I think if you collect the images that are the strongest and put them together, with more than two lines in a stanza, perhaps four then the poem won't need this line at the end. Because you are comparing your love, to fruit which sometimes is mottled and imperfect in shape, but still you accept that in its imperfect state, you find perfectness. If that made any sense at all. I think you should stick to these main images, to get across your view.

Thats why I thought you could you cut the rest away, and filter whats not important. Because aside from the slap-dash words around the fruity images, I think you're onto a great poem here.

:heart:
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, thanks! I think I was just writing what came to mind without any correcting or little sense.

I am going to just leave the stanza you liked, and work on the rest. I will repost it again once I'm done. You've helped me a lot, so I am sure set.

Or I could break it all up, and make little haiku poems or a start of a new poem...I'm not sure yet.

See usually I don't write like this. I usually write of pain, sadness, and hurt. I'm not use to being in love, since I haven't found it til' now and it's all hard to explain. Maybe there are no words to define love?

Again, I appreciate your critique. It was very helpful and true.
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:iconamberlouie:
Amberlouie Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2007  Professional Writer
only actions in love spur words, hun :) find those actions.
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
Surely, I will...especially with my latest poem, check it out; was mainly inspired by your words.
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:iconadeimantus:
Adeimantus Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2007
This is quite nice. You have some well-drawn images, and a freshness of language that's very appealing. I would do a full critique, but I'm always careful to ask if it would be appreciated, first.

Thanks for posting it. I really enjoyed it.

-Charles
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
I wouldn't mind at all. Criticism is what helps me grow into a better writer/poet.
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:iconaudreylouise:
audreylouise Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2007   Writer
wow. thats pretty brutal, but i like it. awesome metaphors.
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, it was inspired by my ex who I wish to soon be back with.

♫♥
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